I know I've posted this before, but again it's been on my mind and in my ears... the words to the song by Jars of Clay, Oh my God. Particularly this part:
Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder
Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense
I've often thought how in the midst of the deepest joy, life even at the best times has a tinge of sadness to it. Like a shadow, our lives are marked always with the reminder of memories of a different time, the brevity of life, how change is constant and how love is the only thing that can endure all things. The brighter the life, at times, the more pronounced this shadow becomes.
One thing I want to ask of my Maker, is for Him to give me the courage and strength needed to weather these changes, allowing them to change me into someone He's more pleased with, then enduring the crashing waves and icy cold storms are worthwhile - because then my joy is found in Him, and I know I'm not alone, no matter how I feel.